I have the unfortunate experience of spending about 95 percent of my life alone. Literally. However I can counter that alone-ness with my friends.

Even as a child I was never one to have huge groups of friends. I preferred intimate, intense friendships. Ones that ripped into my life like a lightening bolt. I always had friends, but I have been particular in my definitions of them. This of course invites problems. It is not easy to be my friend and I do not welcome many into that title. Many have chosen to not give me the title in return, and I thank them for that. Nothing is worse than being a token friend.

I have been lucky enough to have developed friends– an interesting concept in itself, developing friends– to combat the disenfranchised feeling that being an intelligent, sensitive soul who leans towards artistic sensibilities seems to foster. I embarked on a mission of purpose: build my circle of friends.

I feel I have always been very discerning or discriminatory (it’s archaic definition, please!) in my choice of friends. My choices never stemmed from whether they were rich or not, educated or not, attractive or not, but rather from the quality of the person they were.

Well, I am sure many of you are scratching your head over the term “quality” — presumably people of “quality” are rich, educated, attractive and a host of many other things. People of quality should be able to offer you “stuff.” They may be able to give all those things; however, I beg to differ that those are the real elements of quality.

“Quality”, when applied to people, describes a fineness of being. They are honest. They are genuine. They do not assume the worst of the world and humanity; they are surprised by the diversity of it. Unfortunately, many of us are in development of these characteristics. I include myself in that category. We are often stymied in recognizing and or are deceived in the process of creating a fineness of being because we often have to sift through so much to decipher what we know to be true of our self. Because, if you remember, the first thing I said when describing “quality” in terms of people in fineness is they are honest.

Many of us fall into the trap that “honest” implies some finite resolution of truth. That is just impossible. Philosophers, psychologists, historians, scientists and religions have all tried their hands at defining “truth.” The people who I call my friends are not defined through that path of honesty. They are honest with who they are, they are never someone else… even when they are struggling to define “who” they are they are present in that struggle. I think that it is because I am willing to look beyond many behaviors that can be misinterpreted that those who are in my heart get frustrated by my “allowing” many members of my circle of friends to remain there– those who love me still struggle with seeing “truth” as a part of honest. We are all in process.

I have deceived myself for short periods of time into believing that some people were friends when they were not. Luckily those periods were short. And although the damage was painful, the exorcism of their toxic care was easy. There was no honest exchange, so they were not my friends.

And that is the crucial part in friendship– Exchange. You have to want to be, share, listen, and care to be a friend. There is a recognition that we are two souls sharing part of the journey together. And when there is no recognition, well, why foster growth where there is none?

Fortunately, I recently shared an incredibly enjoyable time with someone who has become a good friend. We shared stories of our youth, laughed at our own spasmodic antics, revelled in our inspirations and cheered our risks. We shared mirth. She has been a friend who has been honest and genuine and fine. She lets me be my best me, and I only hope I return the favor.

What has been phenomenal about the people who have catapulted into my life and “developed” into friends is that they are always seeming to give me that gift.

Many years ago another friend had described me as a hedonist. He was right to an extent. Conversation with a friend, laughter and exchange, is better than any fine wine or rich chocolate. An honest encounter with a friend can make magic– it transforms into a memory, painted with loving brushstrokes and attention to color. An evening with a good friend is better than chocolate cake.

Advertisement